I’m a week late with this one. Sorry! The Schlock Mercenary colorist, Travis Walton, is heading to San Diego Comic Con, and I needed to restore the buffer a bit so he could color far enough ahead to get a vacation. Yes, the depth of my buffer dictates the maximum depth of HIS buffer. This is what tyranny looks like…

Moving on.

I loved this film. It had a big hurdle to clear, because I’m familiar with the television series, and if that is canon in this setting, the humans eventually lose and they all become slaves. That meant that I sat down expecting a war in which the humans lose, laying groundwork for the setting us old-timers are familiar with.

I don’t mean to suggest that this is where the film makers have to go. They can do their own thing. Maybe they’re planning to eventually create a serial called “Planet of the Apes, Moon of the Humans” or some such. Or maybe they’re going to do a crossover with H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine,” and the apes all evolve into hairless, toga-clad wimps while the humans retreat underground and become morlochs. Seriously, they can do what they want. But I brought baggage to this movie, and they knew it, and folks, they were totally ready for me. Saw me coming, even. Continue reading Dawn of the Planet of the Apes →

Okay, let’s start with my instructions to you: no matter how enticing I may make this film sound, do NOT spend money on it. Don’t see it in the theater, and don’t rent it. Buying the DVD would be a crime against humanity. For that matter, don’t bother seeing it for FREE, either. Spending your TIME on this film is a crime against your employer, your family, and the Baby New Year. You would be better off using an hour and thirty-four minutes eating junk food and watching Weather Channel repeats you’ve accidentally TIVO’d.

I’m serious. If I find out that you went and saw this film after I told you not to, I’ll phone your friends up and tell them to go to your house and pour ants in your bed. And when you wake up screaming, covered in ants, you’ll think “at least I’m not still watching BloodRayne.” long-winded rant behind the cut