Movie Review: BloodRayne

Okay, let’s start with my instructions to you: no matter how enticing I may make this film sound, do NOT spend money on it. Don’t see it in the theater, and don’t rent it. Buying the DVD would be a crime against humanity. For that matter, don’t bother seeing it for FREE, either. Spending your TIME on this film is a crime against your employer, your family, and the Baby New Year. You would be better off using an hour and thirty-four minutes eating junk food and watching Weather Channel repeats you’ve accidentally TIVO’d.

I’m serious. If I find out that you went and saw this film after I told you not to, I’ll phone your friends up and tell them to go to your house and pour ants in your bed. And when you wake up screaming, covered in ants, you’ll think “at least I’m not still watching BloodRayne.”

Now, on to the review… we’ll start with the music. There are three credited composers here, and I’m not sure which one I should be blaming for the horrible soundtrack. Maybe somebody in post-production tripped over the tape, and introduced all the wobbly, pitch-drifting bits. Or maybe the REAL soundtrack got destroyed in a fire, and they had to settle for the sound left on bits of tape on the cutting room floor. Seriously, it’s that bad, and that’s just the sound quality. The composition itself was criminal – the music swelled when nothing was happening, droned tediously during the action, and led me to wonder whether the composers actually bothered to watch the movie. (I hope they didn’t. The fewer casualties this film has, the better.)

The cast was an amazing example of “gap” between the potential and the actual. Academy Award Winner Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Billy Zane, Kristanna Loken, and Meat Loaf Aday are all capable actors. The potential for a GOOD film was there. Sadly, every last one of them phoned their parts in. Madsen in particular appears to have been brain damaged in the recent past – either that or he’s trying out a new acting technique from the Bill Shatner School of Reading Fortune Cookies. I’d be inclined to blame it on the writing, or maybe on the directing, except that Madsen’s a pro and should know better.

Poor Ben Kingsley. When his character finally dies, lying on the ground and shriveling as staked vampires are wont to do, I couldn’t help but wonder if the scene wasn’t meant as a metaphor for Ben’s acting career. Maybe it’s what’s going to happen to Ben’s agent for getting him into this stinker. For most of the film Ben was required to sit in a chair, deliver wooden lines, and brood stoicly. For his fight scene he looked like he was waiting tables.

The cinematography… Mathias and Michael Neumann (siblings, I assume) appear to have twigged to the “epileptic fit” setting on their steadi-cam. Calling them cinematographers does a disservice to everyone who ever submitted something to America’s Funniest Home Videos and then lost. Matthias has worked with producer/director Uwe Boll on a number of other projects. I can’t imagine that all of them are this bad. Perhaps bringing his brother in on this project was where he went wrong.

Allow me to pause here for a moment. Some folks flame people who criticize movies by saying “you couldn’t do better.” It’s true. I probably couldn’t do better. But I know the names of a dozen people who COULD have done better – better editing, better camera work, better scoring, better writing (okay, I could do that myself) and yes, better acting. This movie appears to have been made by a group of people who are individually among the worst their fields have to offer, and who went on to inspire each other to new lows.

With that out of the way…

Usually films like this have at least SOMETHING to offer in terms of special effects. BloodRayne the Video Game was hailed as the bloodiest game ever, and the film tries to pay homage to that. You know how after you’ve been playing a violent game for a while you can sometimes see the same pattern of blood-spatter each time you messily dispatch an enemy? Well, the film got THAT bit right. It would appear that they carefully rigged the same exact blood-spewing pump for each and every gore-shot, taking especial care to make sure that each splash looked just like the last one.

The writing… a good film has a certain flow to it. Some are burbling brooks, others mighty rivers. Some stagnate. BloodRayne was a dry riverbed, and the cast was required to “flow” a big rock down it. This involved repeatedly picking up said rock, moving it to the next spot, and then hurrying out of the picture. Poorly written video-games will flow better from one plot-point to another than this film did. Sure, the film is based on a video game, but it’s supposed to be a MOVIE.

Regarding unnecessary nudity… frankly, if you’re going to make a film this bad, you almost have to put lots of skin in it in order to get somebody to see it. It’s not unnecessary if it’s there to make money, right? Blech. With the right soundtrack, this film could have been cut to 15 minutes and turned into low-grade fetish porn.

I know how they got Meat Loaf Aday into the movie. They told him “don’t bother reading the script… we’re going to have you lie down on a bed with four Romanian prostitutes, and guess what! We’ll use REAL prostitutes.” What red-blooded, amoral, out-of-work actor could turn down an offer like that? (And yes, according to Uwe Boll, they hired prostitutes instead of actresses for Meat Loaf’s scene. Apparently they’re cheaper. I’m sure actresses worldwide are taking heart at THAT piece [ahem] of trivia.)

If I’ve inadvertently made the film sound enticing, I assure you it was an accident. If you find nudity enticing, please don’t be tricked. This film doesn’t do that. It takes whatever beauty there is to be found in the human form and, with the help of blood-splatter, bad dialog, and the Amazing Epilepsy-Cam, leaves you feeling empty. Oh, and dirty, and impoverished by far more than the time and money you spent on the film.

I’m not trying to tear this movie a new anal orifice. I assure you, the film already has SEVERAL, and it defecates simultaneously through all of them. You don’t want to get any of this on you.

The best possible thing now would be for BloodRayne to fail so profoundly and so expensively that Uwe Boll (who, as executive producer, is the only person on the planet stupid enough to hire himself to direct) is forced out of the film business before he can contaminate anybody else’s intellectual property, whether as producer, director, or the 3rd-unit gaffer’s poo-flinging donut-monkey.

179 thoughts on “Movie Review: BloodRayne”

  1. Yeah, looking at the previews, I was guessing random nudity was going to be about all this movie had to offer. I guess they screwed that up too.

    So. I’m hoping you haven’t seen it, but if you by some sick twist of misfortune have, where would you rank this movie compared to Dungeons and Dragons? The acting, in particular, in the Bloodrayne trailer reminded me of it.

    1. There’s a second Dungeons & Dragons movie coming out soon…..

      I LIKED the first strangely enough. Anything with Richard O’Brien AND Tom Baker can’t be all bad, even with Jeremy Irons…

        1. It does…

          But the chick was cute…

          So it ends up just barely in the positive…

          I just hope that D&D2 has a new cast… A total new cast…

          1. Re: It does…

            The second D&D movie was shown on the Sci-Fi Channel, totally different cast except for one person (the tall bald guy), and did not in fact have a composition of Total Suck.

          2. Re: It does…

            Hee and a director who wasn’t also a first time director and the writer of the script (and who didn’t spend literally half of his life writing said script.)
            I bought the first one on DVD when it came out, mostly because at the time there was crap for new fantasy out and I wanted to help send a message to the studios that at least a little fantasy would be liked. The deleted scenes are illuminating. Everywhere where there were two scenes one of which the director had to cut, he cut the wrong scene. There was a fiarly good movie hidden in D&D, sadly 80% of it was on the cutting room floor. 15% of it was destroyed in the director’s insistance that Irons ham it up further. I swear there were a couple scenes with him that were cut where he was a proper villian instead of the “He I’m the bad guy bla ha ha ha” crap he was forced to do.

          3. Re: It does…

            That was one of the most stunning parts of the horror (oh the horror!) of D&D, for me. Jeremy Irons, just standing there all cool and stuff, is Mr. Scary Bad Guy, sort of the way John Malkovich is often Mr. Scary/Funny/Crazy Dude or Christopher Walken is Mr. Creepy (even though the man can dance like there’s no tomorrow). There was no need for him to ham it up so horribly, and there are places in the film where he looks uncomfortable, to say the least, chewing the scenes that way.

            That’s not to even discuss Bruce Payne’s bad hamming, something he doesn’t usually do so badly. Or the blueish lipstick. (ow)

            The telling moment for my gaming group, when we went to see D&D on opening night, was one of the final lines of the credits. I believe it went something like this “Thora Birch and a large percentage of the rest of this cast are proud graduates of the William Shatner School of Acting.” We decided they left off the most important part of that statement: “so we decided to make all the other actors pretend that they, too, are graduates from. That. School. Of. Acting. So. No. One. Feels. Bad.”

            Best thing about the entire D&D movie? The 30-second cameo with Tom Baker. oy.

          4. Re: It does…

            I always thought that the D&D movie was very true to its roots. It appeared to have been written by a thirteen year old between classes, ripped off every movie George Lucas ever made in alphabetical order, introduced characters so minor they didn’t even rate names, and had Dr. Who show up for no apparent reason when there was a lull in the action.

            All you need is a bowl full of cheezies and that whiney kid who never can remember what character he’s playing and you’ve captured the entire essence of the game.

    2. The D&D movie was campy, but you could at least give it the mYstery Science treatment and laught at the gaming cliches. This doesn’t sound like it even had that going for it.

      1. I saw the D&D movie at an MST party I was throwing, and I have NOTHING but fond memories of it – I crack up at the mere mention of it. It was PERFECT MST fodder.

        This movie… well, there ARE movies out there that are too bad to even MST. The Adventures of Pluto Nash was one… this sounds even worse, if that’s possible.

          1. Agreed. I’d go so far as to say Pluto Nash was a good film.

            Then again, I enjoyed “Super Mario Bros.”, so my credibility as a film critic is shot.

          2. SMB was a good film if you were a kid. Cool song, kangaroo boots, relatively cute Yoshi, all of that.

            It had next to nothing to do with the game though.

        1. Bloodrayne beats out Manos: The Hands of Fate and Hawk: The Slayer for title of worst movie ever.

          Doctor Forrester would kill Frank for even suggesting this abomination be shown.

          And I say that having only watched the trailer.

  2. Wow…

    I can almost hear you attempting to sue to get that hour and 34 minutes of your life back…

    Don’t bother, it won’t work… The judge just laughed at my “wrongful death” suit against Ben Stiller for his slaughter of the romantic comedy…

    I’ve never played the game, and frankly, I think I’ll boycot any game system that carries the title now…

    Not that I don’t like gore or nudity… I mean, hey, I’m only human…

    But I won’t put a DIME towards anyone who have HOPED to make money off of this apparent abortion of cinema…

    Poor, poor Ben…

        1. Re: Wow…

          I suspect the only role he regrets is his role as the lead in “The Day of the Jackal”, for which he was rejected by the director.

      1. Re: Wow…

        Honestly, I’d be more worried about Kristanna Loken’s career. She hasn’t exactly had an illustrious career up to now, and this can’t be good for it.

    1. Re: Wow…

      I’, Pretty sure the game is on almost every platform… If not, then it’s on the PC. at least, and you can’t boycott your PC, that’d just be… wrong

  3. I’d be inclined to blame it on the writing, or maybe on the directing, except that Madsen’s a pro and should know better.
    As I said above, in watching the director’s commentary on the D&D movie, a decent actor’s work can be made wooden and dull by an insistant director (not that I would suggest actually watching the movie and the deleted scenes.)

    1. Note: I’m not about to call for Madsen (or Kingsley, or even Lokken or Rodriquez) to retire. But Uwe Boll keeps taking lemons and making poop-soup. He appears to round up the worst performances from EVERYONE.

      So yeah, maybe it’s bad directing. I mean, there’s definitely bad directing going on. Maybe you can blame the bad acting on it, too.

      1. It’s my understanding — perhaps I’m wrong — that there are a number of tax laws in Germany with regards to the cinema industry, in that a movie that bombs becomes a tax break a la The Producers. I am further given to understand that Uwe Boll is used to create these bombs. He’s hired specifically because his movies suck rocks.

        Of course, this is all hearsay. Except the sucks rocks part. That’s apparently true considering Uwe Boll’s track record.

        1. IIRC those same laws were recently repealed. If this is true we can look forward to either..

          A) A world without Uwe Boll’s ‘Vision’ of the Cinema.

          B) More Uwe Boll movies, With EVEN CRAPPIER PRODUCTION VALUES!!!

      2. My wife (who is in theatre) holds the following maxim – if one actor is bad, it’s bad acting; if every actor is bad, it’s bad directing.

        1. I am soooo going to remember that philosophy.

          And yeah, from everything I’ve heard, it does apply to the D&D movie, and a few others I’ve foolishly watched over the years.

        1. I think the costuming may have had something to do with that wooden-ness, I wouldn’t want to be seen in some of those things either! I come ON.. A gown that LIGHTS UP?! oh fer pity’s sake…

          1. My favorite was from Randy at S*P in one of his strips… Something about cold breezes being evident on Tatoonie… I have NO idea what that is based on, though…

            Honest…

          2. The cold breezes comment is from the Star Wars Unleashed figure of Padme in the outfit she was wearing on Tatooine in Episode 2. The sculptor who designed the doll made her rather obviously “perky”.

          3. What really rots my socks is how suggestive so many of her outfits were. You know you don’t actually want a relationship with this guy, so why don’t you wear a dress that covers more than 1% of your back? And I think I can remember a scene where she was wearing some kind of leather corset. Seriously.

          4. The corset scene was one in which she was telling him how they couldn’t have a relationship.

            “Oh Annie, look at my boobs, they want you, but we can’t have a relationship, but it doesn’t matter, look at my booobs!”

            Or so my MSTing of it went.

  4. Howard, Howard, Howard… I hope I’m getting the stern “you should’a known better” tone conveyed properly in text.

    It’s Uwe Boll. What could have possessed you to see this movie in the first place?

    1. The desire to write a really scathing review. It was purgative.

      I went with the owner of the local comic book store, and he and I had a great time cranking up the hyperbole generator.

    1. I cut and pasted the whole darn thing…

      But didn’t link it, cause… Ummm…

      Well, I’m pretty foul-mouthed (I try to hold it in around Howard and his Wife), and my friends ain’t much better…

      I just said “Someone else wrote this”… If someone asks, I’ll tell them exactly who, but I think it stands just fine on it’s own…

      1. Re: I cut and pasted the whole darn thing…

        My policy is that if you’re going to re-post my stuff, especially something I spent over an hour writing, you need to provide an attribution. “Someone else wrote this” doesn’t cut it.

        Providing my name and a link really is the least you can in good conscience do. If you’re worried about your foul-mouthed friends, just tell them to use nice language if they stop by here to post.

        –Howard

        1. Re: I cut and pasted the whole darn thing…

          So my submission to slashdot, quoting your feelings about the cinematography, saying who you were, plugging Schlock, and providing a link here to see the full rant, was the way to go?

          1. Re: I cut and pasted the whole darn thing…

            Then I’m happy to report that not only do I now link directly to the entry, I link to your LJ, and the omni-present Schlock link is there…

            Cause seriosuly, Schockl long ago became my favorite web comic…

            Though if VG Cats ever becomes a daily, you might have some competition there…

            But not much…

  5. I have to admit, at the beginning of this review I was almost slightly tempted to see this movie (though I had never previously had any remote inkling of a possibility of a desire to see it), if only due to the bizarre human psyche. Example: A person smells something absolutely terrible drifting out from around the corner, is disgusted for a moment, and then… breathes more deeply, if only for the purpose of determining whether something can actually smell that bad.

    However, by the end of the review, even that inkling had been quashed.

    After all, no one’s gonna stick their head directly into a pile of elephant dung, no matter how curious they are.

    1. He did sum it up

      “f I find out that you went and saw this film after I told you not to, I’ll phone your friends up and tell them to go to your house and pour ants in your bed. And when you wake up screaming, covered in ants, you’ll think ‘at least I’m not still watching BloodRayne.'”

  6. Wow, you must have really hated this film. This is easily the crudest language I’ve ever seen you use.
    (Not that I mind, it’s just unusual coming from yourself.)

    1. I can think of films that are more damaging to watch (categorically, at any rate — I’d put most pornography in that category for the way it encourages you to rewire your pleasure center), and I can think of films that I’ve enjoyed less (I don’t like having my emotions tweaked in certain ways), but I cannot think of another PG/P13/R – rated general release which was so bad on so many counts.

      There’s just so much to hate about this film. I didn’t even go into Rodriguez or Loken’s acting. Or the horse-back scenes. Or the sword-play. Or the costuming. The list goes on and on and on. The only thing that didn’t suck was the fact that Billy Zane looked like he was having a good time.

        1. The figures IN the costumes were usually quite nice. The costumes themselves ranged from silly to ridiculous. I assume the workmanship was decent, but hey, it’s movie clothing, right?

      1. Billy Zane looked like he was enjoying it, huh? Was it a “I can’t believe they’re paying me for this” fun or a “What a bunch of suckers” kind? :p

      2. Would direct to video releases count as general release?

        Also, pardon me for asking this, but how does pornography encourage one to rewire the pleasure center?

        1. American Attempts?

          Urm…which country is this that has managed to make intelligent, erotic porn? And why haven’t they yet conquered the world?

          1. Re: American Attempts?

            I’ve seen some from Japan that had plot, acting, production values, setting and decent soundtrack.

            Though it was very Japanese and very disturbing, so the market for it in the US wouldn’t be much anyway.

          2. Re: American Attempts?

            ugh.

            don’t even mention the Japanese.

            at least American society has limits of SOME KIND

            meh.. let’s put it this way
            there is a game show in japan, a GAME show, where a naked girl is strapped on to a table with a tiny fence around it, a dozen puppies are then put inside this tiny area with the strapped down naked girl.

            I leave it to you to imagine where those canine tongues go.
            My brain is scarred for life 🙁

            sticking with the concept of games, how about you bounce on over to Something Awful and read his reviews of Japanese porn games.
            he gives them points when he DOESN’T find: rape, incest, scat, piss.. etc

            jap porn is the worst on the net

          3. Re: American Attempts?

            I don’t think Howard would like me posting links to prove that US porn has no limits.

            And I said “Some” Japanese porn. Some != All.

            And this wasn’t the net. It was theater release.

    2. Manos: Hand of Fate

      Only movie to ever be stopped mid-showing on MST3K, and be appologized for…

      As an aside, I have met the gal that played that last of teh evil doctors… She’s just as funny in person, if not more so…

      1. But…but…you gotta love it when the girl goes in the house and she doesn’t have a scarf, then she goes out and *poof* she does!if it had been marketed as a comedy, it would have been great 🙂

    3. Also…

      Frost: Tale of a Vampire (title might be a little off, but I refuse to even give it a possible hit from googling the name)

      It has, quite possibly, the worst acting ever, barring such things as BloodRayne and Manos…

      Never rent the movie, unless you have lost all will to live…

  7. I’m not trying to tear this movie a new anal orifice. I assure you, the film already has SEVERAL, and it defecates simultaneously through all of them. You don’t want to get any of this on you.

    That made me laugh out loud. Heeheehee.

  8. Sounds like a movie that, if MST3K were still around, which would dethrone the uncut version of ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ as the film to MST – I mean, every video game movie’s bad… but it appears Uwe Boll’s hitting two for two now, in terms of bad cinema.

    I’m kinda hoping that the BloodRayne game franchise dies now, myself. That’d teach them. 😀

    1. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I didn’t think the Resident Evil films were totally horrible. Okay, they were Horror-ible, but I like Milla Jovovich, and in these films she does what she does (IMHO) best.. kick booty and smite the bad dudes.

      Anyway.. they were fun, in a summer-blockbuster-turn-yer-brain-off kinda way.

      1. So was DooM, but that doesn’t make me want to rent the DVD any more than I would want to see this. 😀 But this movie seems to make STreet Fighter look high-brow, Super Mario Brothers seem like great cinema, and I hope it damages BloodRayne sales enough to kill the franchise.

        Still, I see that Manos has some competition now – and I’ve SAT through the whole thing, thankyouverymuch.

    2. Uwe Boll is hitting three for three (did House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark).

      One of the most horrible and insidious things this man is doing is destroying the video game franchises, who is going to buy the games after his horrible movies? I can forgive the game makers for the first couple of films because they had no idea what kind of horrible garbage was going to be created, but anybody giving him license to adapt their product now should be shot, just as anyone who gives him money should be tried for crimes against humanity.

      1. There still exist intellectual property for which, in the sense of the owners of said property making a profit (and thus said property continuing to exist), any publicity is good publicity.

        It sounds funny, I know. But it’s entirely legitimate. If, say, you’ve got a good game but it’s not being picked up by any mainstream publishers and so is having a run of only 100 copies because nobody’s ever heard of it… but you can have a movie created of the same name, nominally about the same thing, with previews and commercials? Who cares how much the movie sucks, it means people have heard about the game, they can worry about making people find out that the game is good after they’re thinking about the game in the first place.

        Not that this is at all an excuse for the people making the movie or for people that actually have decent and publicized games. Just that the logic does exist.

  9. Forgive me for popping in unannounced, but a friend told me that someone had foolishly gone to see a Uwe Boll film, and I had to peek at your review.

    When I questioned why Uwe Boll keeps getting financing, I was referred to this article. Uwe does appear to be using the tax angle. It’s like watching The Producers unfold in real life. Can Uwe Boll’s production of Springtime for Hitler be far behind?

    What’s frightening is not that he’s made House of the Dead, is not that he’s made Alone in the Dark, is not even that he’s made Bloodrayne. What’s frightening is that he’s got five more movies in the pipeline.

    1. … Are all those video game movies that will likely suck no matter who did them or is that just me? I mean … a Dungeon Seige movie.

      1. Hey, the Hunter series were semi-decent games, in a run-around-and-kill-stuff sort of way. You know, something to do to turn off your brain. The actual pen and paper version of Hunter is actually pretty good. White Wolf does tend to try and focus on the role-playing aspect more than d-20, whose games usually lead to dungeon crawling and beating monsters. Of course, I’m just an all-around nerd, and a big fan of White-Wolf. I was very, very sad when I learned of the Hunter movie, what with Uwe Boll and all.

        1. Not any more they don’t…

          It’s all about selling books now…

          I’m a member of their LARP group (The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over agian, and expecting different results… Technically I get different results… It sucks more each year…), and I just love how they are using us to basicly Beta test their stuff, and at the end of a year of play they will release a new book with the changes we have found to be needed…

          Not only do they sell another book, but they do basicly no new work…

          I’m waiting for them to remove the indexes, like they ended up doing with the old World of Darknes…

          1. Re: Not any more they don’t…

            On the one hand, they are all about moving the books, but at least they go back and make changes. Do you want a book that’s broken, that they don’t want to fix?
            Even though they may not be as story-oriented as they once were, their games still deliver a better story and role playing experience than d20. Of course, that’s just me.

          2. Re: Not any more they don’t…

            I just have a problem paying to be their beta tester, and still get treated like the garbage WW treats us like…

            It’s almost like they sit around going “We still have fans? Lets see what else we can do to tick them off… I know… Guys, listen to this… Teleporting Ventrue… Luck controling Gangrel… We’ve got to piss some people off with THAT one…”

            Why we still even let them make books after the debacle that was “Dirty Secrets” is beyond me…

          3. Re: Not any more they don’t…

            I’d say go with Shadowrun to avoid the problem with endless book-revisions while still having story-driven campaigns, but that may just be because I had an excellent GM.

          4. Re: Not any more they don’t…

            I can’t say I’ve ever had the chance to play Shadowrun. No one I know ever wants to play, for some reason. If it was the GM, though, I wouldn’t want to try having a good story-driven game. Our GM tends to rather poorly with such things most of the time. Occasionally, though, he takes some time and sets up a good campaign worth playing more than just one or two sessions.

    2. Yeah, I saw that. That’s why I made the comment I did about him keeping his hands off of potentially viable intellectual properties. He PLANS to destroy them, and this is dishonest and wrong on several levels.

      I’m speaking as a creator of intellectual property, of course.

      1. Exactly, I was arguing with a friend about how horrible Uwe Boll is and how everyone should sign this petition to show how much we want him to stop. He said, well, just don’t go to his movies. I responded: “
        he’s guilty of movie idea exploitation/pollution as well as destroying the jobs of video game makers. It’s not necessarily an argument of you hate his work so do not watch it, he is much more insidious than that. He is taking other people’s ideas, ideas that have potential for greatness or at least mediocrity, and he is rolling them in shit so thoroughly that the originator of the idea is also left with an inescapable stank. He is eating up the licensing deals for video game franchises and, by making such horrendously awful movies, he is effectively putting an end to the franchises. If he was an American I would accuse him of being part of the cross-political attack upon the video game industry.”

  10. So I saw that Mr. Tayler was going to see this movie.

    And, when I was kicked out of my office by a roving band of roofing sealers who were going to need the entire parking lot, I drove over to my local theater and laid out 6.25 of my hard earned dollars for this movie. I figured, if it’s good enough for Howard, it’s good enough for me. After all, he endured Linucon 2, and that counts for something.

    Words cannot describe how BAD this movie is…

    Really. The fight scenes are utterly horrific. The shaky cam tries to mask how bad the coreography is, but it still can’t overcome the fundamental woodenness. Further, there is little difference made between the human thralls and the vampires – both apparently die equally well to slashing sword blows to the chest.

    The WORST part about this whole thing though, was the UTTER disregard for continuity. Vampires in obvious sunlight, riding to a shelter to “get in before dawn.” The most glaring example has to be the water scene. The heroine is transported in a boat across a big lake to the Super Secret Vampire Hunter Castle (always shrouded in darkness, and conveniently in the center of a large lake where, you know, it’s TOTALLY VISIBLE yet apparently a Big Secret). On the way across, the three vampire hunters in the movie debate whether to kill the heroine. The most compelling argument for her life is that “this boat ride would kill a normal vampire – she must be special – this could turn the tide for us.” I’m not sure how having ONE vampire who can cross large bodies of water really helps since, you know, if the rest can’t, they’re all concentrated in one continent, and therefore more likely to be in easy travelling distance to back each other up, but whatever. So about 20 minutes later, when the vampires send the human thralls across the lake to attack the Super Secret Vampire Hunter Castle, who is in the lead boat? Yes, that’s right, the Number One Vampire Minion. Who, despite lacking the ONE MAGICAL ITEM IN THE WORLD THAT ALLOWS VAMPIRES TO CROSS WATER is still fine. Osmosis, maybe?

    The best quote I can think of though, came from the theater clean up crew. They came in about 5 minutes before the end of the movie and sat down to watch the climax. As I walked by them on the way out of the theater, one looked at me and said “if it were up to me, I’d totally refund your money right now.” “Oh, did you see the whole thing?” “No, just those last 5 minutes.”

    If you’ll all excuse me now, I’m going to go watch some QUALITY filmmaking – like Gigli or Ishtar. I’m afraid the taint won’t scrub from my mind without something that caustic…

        1. Well, I can’t give you grief about Xanadu.

          I *did* enjoy The Pirate Movie (in fact, I have some of those songs on mp3.. somewhere).

          And had a brief obsession with Duran Duran in my ‘tweens.

          Obviously, I too was a teenager in the 80’s.. but the late 80’s, so maybe it doesn’t count.

    1. Please forgive me for tricking you into seeing this film. I should have pointed out that it was my expectation that it would be stunningly bad, and I was going in order to help prevent others from making a mistake.

      –Howard

      1. Well… if it’s any consolation, in order to ease my pain, I’ve told everyone I know to go see it immediately.

        …crap.

        I’ve just condemned myself to an eternity in hell, haven’t I? Probably watching this movie…

        1. There is a ‘Special’ layer of hell reserved for Child-Molesters and people who talk in the theatre….

          …just below that, is the layer of hell reserved for people who reccomend Uwe Boll movies to other people.

          1. One of the great crimes of our age is the ending of Firefly after a single season. Plus a movie, of course, but as good as it was I don’t think it counts.

          2. Which brings to mind the question of who’d win in a fight, Sergeant Schlock or River Tam.

            Er … that’s a nice plasma cannon. Like the glow-of-doom effect. Ommmmminous hummmm has got lots of ommmmminous. Please don’t kill me?

            (Hey, I didn’t even SEE Bloodrayne, and I feel contaminated by it.)

          3. Unlike Schlock, who’s just psychotic. I don’t know, River may know the fight is coming, but she hasn’t shown much talent in actually avoiding the fights, just going “AGH! THERE BE A FIGHT COMING!”

        2. once convinced a few of us to go see “The Village”. He even paid to see it a second time (to come along with us), but that was to watch us watching it.

          I think he managed to reattach most of his pieces…

  11. There’s something so completely satisfying to go to a film you know is going to stink, fully intending to chop it to itty bits. It’s almost visceral, isn’t it?

    For me, it was Catwoman. I did not see this film until it had been on video for a year or more, and so I knew it was going to stink before I watched it (my mate, bless him, will watch paint dry, and since he hadn’t seen this particular bit of film horror history, insisted). It was every bit as bad as I thought it would be, and I had such fun stomping all over it.

    I am not a movie critic. There are a number of terrible films out there that I enjoy, sometimes to my own embarrassment, even. That said..Once upon a time, I used to say “hey, that movie was pretty good, for a comic book movie.” Or, for a normal film, I would say “at least it wasn’t (insert name of most recent comic book film).”

    Now, though, that’s all topsy-turvy. Thanks to the disaster that was Catwoman, and some pretty darn good comic book renditions on the Big Screen in recent years, my medicine for any bad film has become “Hey, at least it wasn’t as bad as Catwoman.”

    From your description, however, I think I’ll avoid Bloodrayne altogether, even for free. It sounds like my brain would implode from the pain of it. heheh

    1. Catwoman had problems, but I enjoyed it. I regretted seeing it on a weekend when I could have seen something else, but I still enjoyed it.

      BloodRayne deserves a “bad movie” category of its own. Maybe the “they DELIBERATELY made a horrible movie in order to get a tax write-off” category. Seriously… it’s the worst film I’ve seen.

      –Howard

  12. I’m pretty sure that it’s been long established that Uwe Boll not only hates video games and movies, but also hates, specifically and individually, everyone who goes to see movies.

  13. I’m gonna go see it.

    I’ve decided now, I’m going to go and see it. I’ll try out being a masochist, see if I can’t innure myself to it further. And bring on the ants. We’ve got those pesky little red ones out here, we’ll try those for a start.
    I’m lying for fun.

    Or am I?

  14. Drive a stake through Uwe Boll and he does not die; he pops, spewing pus and bad scripts all over the countryside. I am convinced he has blackmail-worthy dirt on most of Hollywood’s dealmakers to be continually employed as he is, and not chained to giant crucifix, stuffed in a rocket, and fired into the sun.

    1. Ooh, just had an idea! Howard Tayler teams up with the Brothers Chaps to create *drumrolldrumrolldrumroll* Schlockstar Runnercenary!: The Online Operatic Space Comedy!!!!

      I want 15% for the idea, Howard. 😉

    1. My favorite quote from there…

      “Uwe Boll is the only movie that can fuck up a story involving a sexy ninja vampire who kills Nazis…”

      Out of the mouths of fanboys…

  15. Okay, let’s start with my instructions to you: no matter how enticing I may make this film sound, do NOT spend money on it. Don’t see it in the theater, and don’t rent it. Buying the DVD would be a crime against humanity. For that matter, don’t bother seeing it for FREE, either. Spending your TIME on this film is a crime against your employer, your family, and the Baby New Year.

    That’s how I felt about watching Napoleon Dynamite. And seeing The Mars Volta in concert. That’s collectively four hours of my life that wasted ten years. Like the torture device in The Princess Bride.

    1. Wow. Napoleon Dynamite? Really? Everyone I know likes that movie — though some didn’t like it at first. It was one of those retrospectively humorous films for some folks. As in, they laughed when they heard it quoted, or thought about scenes they’d seen, but didn’t really laugh when they saw it.

      1. Gah…

        ND was one of the true tragedies of American Film…

        It was MADE…

        The only retrospective humor I can think of is the self-depricating kind… Like “I can’t beleieve I was so stupid as to see this…”

        Best part of the film?

        The closing credits…

        1. Re: Gah…

          I think you need to see it again. Let it grow on you some.

          I mean, compare it to Cheaper by the Dozen or The Pacifier — these big films with big stars that sucked big-time. (I haven’t seen anything but the previews and reviews, but I think my conclusions are safe.) They’re full of bang-you-over-the-head jokes, telegraphed from a mile away.

          ND, on the other hand, just had funny characters. Like Napoleon talking about hunting wolverines. Like hating the chore of llama-feeding. Like speaking so blase-ly about Ligers and how they’re bred for their magical properties.

          Understand, I’m a humor snob in a lot of ways — Dumb and Dumber was dumb, sitcoms are all but unwatchable, and I can’t think of a romantic comedy I thought was funny. But Napoleon Dynamite was hilarious to me.

          Maybe it needed a laughtrack to cue the funny parts.

          1. Re: Gah…

            Flesh-Eating bacteria grows on you too…

            Don’t think I’d like those, either… 🙂

            I’ve seen parts of ND, and if there were funny parts, I must have missed them while clawing at my eyes and ears, trying to make the pain stop…

            I’m a humor snob too… I like dry, witty sarcastic humor that isn’t telegraphed (thus why I STILL don’t like sitcoms)…

            ND simply came of as dumb to me… I get that some people like it, but some people also go see Ben Stiller movies…

            *shrugs* to each their own, I suppose…

          2. Re: Gah…

            I take it you haven’t seen Zero Effect or Mystery Men, then. Stiller’s latest fodder (Up next: Meet The Little Fokker) is trite and over the top, but some of the stuff he’s done is priceless.

          3. Re: Gah…

            Mystery Men was ok (if you ignore the presence of Comrad GiRafilo), but most every other one he’s made was torture. I am convinced that should I end up in Hell, it will consist of nothing but watching Meet the Parents, Meet the Fokkers, Zoolander and There’s Something About Mary over and over and over again…

            Meet the Little Fokker? That’s it…

            I call jihad against Ben Stiller…

            Apparently his death is the only way to end the horror…

          4. Re: Gah…

            Mystery Men was made tolerable by the simple fact that my brother spontaniously decided to MST it opening night in the theater.

            He made the movie 1000% better. Everyone around us (including dozens of people we didn’t know) were laughing more at his lines than the movie.

      2. Well, when I watched it, I sat there thinking, “Okay, so there’s still time left, maybe there’ll be something funny in the next scene.” Then it was over. I felt robbed, and wanted my time back to do something more productive or entertaining, like watch paint dry.
        I can’t really place why, but none of the movie was even remotely humorous to me.

  16. I lost interest in this movie back in 2003, when I saw the abysmal reviews for the video game on which it is based. Here’s a sample from MacWorld magazine:

    “This game has an ESRB rating of M, for Mature. Unfortunately, the board hasn’t yet come up with an I rating, for Immature. This game deserves it.”

  17. Damn Uwe Boll to Sit-Through-His-Own-Movies.

    I see that he has “FarCry” lined up. That was a FANTASTIC game, and I’m crushed to see he may make it. I’m going to try to contact UbiSoft and see who I need to complain to, then I’m going to rally folks to email them with complaints.

    Then I’m going to at least know I did everything I could to stop him from destroying something I love. Well, everything legal.

  18. Bloodrayne review

    My son played the game, and enjoyed it.
    I don’t thik I would have bothered seeing the movie,
    in any case.
    But, Howard, your sacrifice was definitely NOT in vain.
    I got an enormous amount of enjoyment from your review.
    Since my chair has arms, I did not actually fall out
    and roll on the floor , laughing. Your descriptions
    show your skill as a writer.
    Thank You !

    P.S. On the subject of reviews; Is the Enya CD as good
    as the reviews make it sound ? I have most of her other
    work, and was considering getting myself a copy as well.

    1. Re: Enya Amarantine

      Amarantine is quite good, yes. I don’t enjoy it quite as much as the album that has “Book of Days” on it, but it hasn’t had as long to grow on me.

      –Howard

    1. Well, “BloodRayne” was actually produced, actually shown in theatres, and people actually saw it.

      “Highlander 2” is just a fairy tale people use to scare their children.

          1. Siblings of cinema!

            My whole shire slunk out of that auditorium after sitting there for 2-ish hours not!watching the not!movie, hoping nobody would ask us why we were wearing ‘funny clothes’.

            I think the guy in the traditional greatkilt was trying to think of some way he could take it off and not violate decency laws in South Miami….

  19. Oh…OW…Your review…I think I popped a blood vessel!
    Thank you for saving us from ourselves–those of us who will actually listen and avoid the steaming pile that this movie, unfortunately, seems to be. Damn. I had such high hopes for House of the Dead and so Bloodrayne seems to have been drilled with the same tool–namely, Uwe Boll. *Sigh*
    Still, there’s your review, right? At least SOMETHING good came from the hideous wrongness, so there!

    1. House of the Dead was better. The dialog wasn’t wooden, at any rate. I didn’t pay attention to the soundtrack, but I suspect that it was full of pop/rock, and was therefore harder to get wrong. The biggest failing of that film was the “cut scenes” where they stuck in bits of the video game. As if we could FORGET that we’d come to see a movie based on a game.

      (Oh, and I kind of wanted the asian chick in the patriotic tights to live. She was hawt.)

      –Howard

      1. Please note: House of the Dead was better than BloodRayne in the same way that a pile of dried crap is more appetizing than a pile of fresh crap. NEITHER pile is appetizing, but the dried crap only smells offensive if you get it wet.

        Don’t get House of the Dead wet. And for the love of all things holy, don’t put it in your mouth. That came out of a dog’s anus, you moron!

        1. wooo, I’m glad you clarified. I was a little worried about you for a moment there. I tuned into House of the Dead during the cemetery fight scene and couldn’t watch more than 5 minutes. (Of course, my alternative viewing choice was 28 Days Later, which was Shakespeare in comparison.)

  20. You Sound Surprised…

    it’s Uwe Boll, what did you think would happen?

    or have you been blessed enough to have never seen an Uwe Boll film?

    i’m a survivor of Alone in the Dark, myself.

    1. Re: You Sound Surprised…

      The only reason I didn’t cry upon viewing Alone in the Dark was that I didn’t pay for it and I was at home where I could laugh as loudly as I wanted. My girlfriend and I made it a game to point out everything that made no sense whatsoever. We were quite busy.

  21. Many Thanks

    I hadn’t planned on seeing this, and now I know definitely not to see it. It sounds a complete and utter travesty.

    By the way, where do you folks find such incredible holes of gaping nothingness as these movies seem to be?

    1. You should read that guys full review. It’s not exactly stellar…

      BLOODRAYNE isn’t as bad as you would expect it to be if you’ve seen his other films. But saying one of his films is better than the other is like saying that getting punched in the kidneys isn’t as bad as getting kicked in the balls. Both still hurt and you don’t want either…
      If you enjoy campy, over the top, fantasy films that have little substance or your like to get your drink on before a movie, then you’re sure to enjoy this film. Others might want to stay away and learn that the name of Uwe Boll means “director to be wary of”.

  22. Why video game properties keep getting sold to Uwe Boll is a mystery to me…and the world. I think it either involves drugs or rock paper scissors matches.

  23. The WORST thing I’ve ever read about an Uwe Boll movie was plain and simple. One sentence. It was said about “Alone in the Dark.”

    Quote: “Somewhere, director Ed Wood is sleeping soundly in his grave.”

    Think that’ll apply to this one as well?

  24. I don’t know you, you don’t know me however, I found your review of BloodRayne scathing and frankly hilarious.

    Rest assured I will NOT waste my time to go see it. I would like to ask a couple of questions if I may. Firstly, are you a professional film critic? If you are, how did you get started and if you’re not, why aren’t you? While I commonly place little faith in what the film critics have to say about films [I find often that the opinions critics such as Ebert et. offer end up leaving me very disapointed when I listen to them] Your review was funny enough to make me laugh while containing enough information to convince me that BloodRayne would not be a good choice of film.

    Thank you for your review.

    1. I’m not a professional film critic, but suppose I could be. I have a degree in music composition, and investigated a career as a composer for film. I spent five years as a record producer, and have numerous friends in the film and theater industries. I’m no Hollywood insider, but I know why things work and why they don’t.

      I wouldn’t be an art-house type critic, if I decided to BE a critic. I like action films, fantasy and sci-fi films, and the occasional zombie flick. I won’t bother to see Brokeback Mountain, and even though I live not 30 minutes from Sundance, I have little desire to hang out there for the Film Festival.

      I’m a professional cartoonist, and my strong suit is writing. You can find my comic strip here. You might enjoy it. And yes, from time to time I write reviews under the comic — mostly about stuff that interests me, whether it’s food, movies, books, comics, or whatever.

      –Howard

  25. Hey, long time reader of Schlock Mercenary here, with some useful information I think you should have.

    Uwe Boll doesn’t need his movies to be successes, he needs them to be failures so he can exploit a german tax loophole for his investors.

    Details are here. That link’s a bit hyperbolic, but the best I could find.

    I’m not happy about this at all. Sooner or later, he’s going to get his hands on a game franchise I care about, and there’s no way to destroy him until Germany closes the loophole.

    1. there’s no way to destroy him until Germany closes the loophole.

      They’ve closed it for any film funding that was “set up” after the 10th of November last. Here’s hoping the four or five projects Boll KG has in the pipeline after BloodRayne don’t have funding arranged yet.

  26. Oh bloody hell…

    I finally remembered where I knew this guy’s name from.

    I haven’t seen any of his movies, no…

    Rather, my wife acted in one of his movies – the Dungeon Siege movie that’s coming out later this year. It was originally an extra bit, but after having to play a concubine with Matt Lillard for six hours, she called her agent and was able to convert it into a credited role.

    That’s it for her, she’s going to be tarnished forever due to the association!

    😉

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