Category Archives: Funnies

This isn’t posts about funny stuff. These are posts I wrote to be funny. They’re probably untrue. Don’t cite me as a reference.

Funnies

And Now, a FitBit Filk

Go ahead and sing it. You know the melody already.

When I wake up, well I know you’re gonna be
you’re gonna be the one who vibrates me awake
When I go out, yeah I know you’re gonna be
You’re gonna be the one who counts the steps I take.

If I get drunk, well I know you’re gonna be
you’re gonna be the one who logs my lifts of glass
When I’m hung over? Well I know you’re gonna count
You’re gonna count the hours I spend flat on my ass.

But I would walk 5000 steps
And I would walk 5000 more
Just to feel that buzz upon my wrist for my
ten thousand step reward

When I work out, yes I know we’ll have some fun
because you’ll be the one who’s workin’ out with me.
And when I’m hungry from the workin’ out I’ve done
I swear I’ll tell you every calorie I eat.

When I come home (When I come home) and I’m limpin’ like a fool
I’m gonna limp along with gusto ’cause of you.
But when I shower, well I only have one rule
I’m gonna take that long hot shower without you.

But I would walk 5000 steps
And I would walk 5000 more
Just to feel that buzz upon my wrist for my
ten thousand step reward

When I’m lonely, well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s lonely wearing you
And when I’m dreaming, well I know you’ll know I dream
because somehow you track my sleeping and that’s creepy.

When I go out (When I go out), well I know you’re gonna go
You’re gonna go just fine with what I choose to wear.
And when I come home (When I come home), yes I know I’m gonna wish
I’m gonna wish I’d walked instead of driving there.
I’m gonna wish I’d walked instead of driving there.

But I would walk 5000 steps
And I would walk 5000 more
Just to feel that buzz upon my wrist for my
ten thousand step reward

Apologies to the Proclaimers, and to my FitBit, who doesn’t get to go out nearly as often as he’d like.

 

Announcements, Funnies

This Is Not the One With an Elephant In It.

In my previous post I said that everything was done except the pictures. Well, this morning I finished the last of the illustrations for The Unofficial Anecdotal History of Challenge Coins. This one is definitely my favorite:

ChallengeCoin-ArmyMoney-LetteredEverything has been handed off to Sandra. An update will go out to Kickstarter supporters first, and then the PDF will go live, probably by Tuesday of next week.

Yes, we’re delivering this about eighteen months later than we wanted it to, but we ARE delivering it. We’re sorry to have kept everyone waiting, and we look forward to sharing the stories that people have shared with us.

(We will not be using those stories to buy beers.)

Funnies

Hire Me To Write Horoscopes

I have always wanted to write horoscopes.

  • AQUARIUS – Don’t read the comments today. Or ever, really. But if you have been reading comments, today is the day you should stop.
  • PISCES – Double-check that. You did the math wrong, I think.
  • ARES – If working from home is an option, take it. If not, maybe call in sick. If you DO decide to go in, don’t wear those shoes.
  • TAURUS – Are you carrying change? Today might be a good day for a roll of quarters.
  • GERMINATE – I know this is going to sound kind of specific, and it probably only applies to a very few of you, but under NO circumstances should you attempt to put that tuba on your head.
  • CANCER – The cat hates it when you do that. Do you hear that noise she’s making? Pay attention. Also, we’re going to re-name your sign, because cancer’s getting a lot of hate lately. How do you feel about “FARTJACK?”
  • LEO – Are you the one who keeps adjusting the thermostat? Be extra sneaky about it today. Like, wipe your fingerprints off the box. And the claw-hammer, just in case.
  • VIRGO – Don’t answer the phone before noon today. Exception: if you’re working in the 9-1-1 call center, answer the phone on the first ring. Oh, and use Taurus’s horoscope today, because the drink machine won’t take bills.
  • LIBRA – How long has it been since you saw the dentist?
  • SCORPIO – It’s probably not a blood-pressure problem, but you also probably shouldn’t be consulting me for medical advice.
  • SAGITTARIUS – Check the food-truck schedule before going out. If you drive a food-truck, use Pisces’ horoscope today.
  • CAPRICORN – If a Sagittarius drives your favorite food truck, the truck is going to run out of your favorite thing by noon-thirty, because Sagittarius didn’t think I was serious about playing Pisces for a day.