In a completely unsurprising turn of events, Alien: Covenant is not the feel-good hit movie of the summer. It’s powerful, and beautiful, and horrifying, and bleak, and thoughtful, and none of those things guarantee that it will be fun.

There was some fun, of course. I liked (in a sinking feeling sort of way) how they tied 2012’s Prometheus and 1979’s Alien together, explaining a few things that have always been puzzlers for me. Prometheus left me with more questions than answers. This movie left me wondering why Prometheus wasn’t just two movies in a row… until I remembered that in 2012 the Marvel Cinematic Universe was still a gamble.

I really enjoyed Fassbender and Waterston’s performances. Waterston seemed especially perfect, since she can shine with stoic confidence AND exude primal terror¹, and sometimes switch between the two while the camera dares us to try an not believe it’s real.

Fassbender was no slouch, of course. I’d say more, but describing how perfectly an actor does a particular thing is not always appropriate when the reader might not yet know that said thing is even a thing².

I loved the scope and scale of things in the film. This shot worked really well for me: human people for scale, really big things next to them, and something even bigger in the distance. And my eyes can’t find the seams between reality and rendering. We’ve come a long way in 38 years.

Alien: Covenant doesn’t cross my Threshold of Awesome, because my rankings are based on “fun.” It wasn’t disappointing, either. If you like the Alien franchise, this is a movie that is probably also something you’ll enjoy.

¹ I first saw Waterston in Fantastic Beasts, where even at her most heroic she seemed trodden upon. In Alien: Covenant, however, we see a dynamic range that makes her a worthy heir to Sigourney Weaver.

² If you watch the trailers closely you’ll pretty quickly figure out what’s coming next during the film, and which character(s) will be standing  too close to whatever is coming once it arrives. And that’s still no excuse for me to post spoilers. 

Here are the things you need to know, as a Schlock Mercenary reader whose tastes are statistically likely to align with my own on matters of humorous space opera:

1. See Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol 2 in theaters. It’s worth your top-dollar entertainment budget.
2. Good reviewers, like good friends, don’t spoil movies for people.
3. The opening credits “romp” is, in my admittedly non-expert-yet-neveretheless-non-humble opinion, the very best one that Hollywood has delivered in the history of these things.

There you go. My 21yo and I saw it last night, and were giddy all the way home. We discussed and deconstructed some parallels between GotG 1 and 2, and I cannot tell you more because spoilers, but it’s safe to say that these sorts of discussions are at their best when the movie is good enough to make them intellectually stimulating, which this one was.

There are movies that I watch again and again. There are movies I’ve seen several times in theaters. Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 is so good I almost want to wait until the Blu-Ray before watching it again, just so I can watch it three times in a row while taking notes, and eating something from my own kitchen.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 takes my top slot for the year, at least for now. Disclaimer notwithstanding, it may be tough to displace, because while all of the impending contenders are solid, comic space opera is in my wheelhouse, on my lawn, and in my heart.