I have always wanted to write horoscopes.

• AQUARIUS – Don’t read the comments today. Or ever, really. But if you have been reading comments, today is the day you should stop.
• PISCES – Double-check that. You did the math wrong, I think.
• ARES – If working from home is an option, take it. If not, maybe call in sick. If you DO decide to go in, don’t wear those shoes.
• TAURUS – Are you carrying change? Today might be a good day for a roll of quarters.
• GERMINATE – I know this is going to sound kind of specific, and it probably only applies to a very few of you, but under NO circumstances should you attempt to put that tuba on your head.
• CANCER – The cat hates it when you do that. Do you hear that noise she’s making? Pay attention. Also, we’re going to re-name your sign, because cancer’s getting a lot of hate lately. How do you feel about “FARTJACK?”
• LEO – Are you the one who keeps adjusting the thermostat? Be extra sneaky about it today. Like, wipe your fingerprints off the box. And the claw-hammer, just in case.
• VIRGO – Don’t answer the phone before noon today. Exception: if you’re working in the 9-1-1 call center, answer the phone on the first ring. Oh, and use Taurus’s horoscope today, because the drink machine won’t take bills.
• LIBRA – How long has it been since you saw the dentist?
• SCORPIO – It’s probably not a blood-pressure problem, but you also probably shouldn’t be consulting me for medical advice.
• SAGITTARIUS – Check the food-truck schedule before going out. If you drive a food-truck, use Pisces’ horoscope today.
• CAPRICORN – If a Sagittarius drives your favorite food truck, the truck is going to run out of your favorite thing by noon-thirty, because Sagittarius didn’t think I was serious about playing Pisces for a day.