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Shaggy, I’m going to get you for this…

41 Comments

Dragon’s Keep is owned by my friend Shaggy. Yes, that’s what he goes by. The red hair and goatee make it obvious, and he’s gone by Shaggy for as long as anybody in the store can remember — decades, even.

Shaggy and I went to see Bloodrayne together back in January.

Yesterday at the Keep, he gave me a gift. My very own DVD copy of Bloodrayne, purchased somewhere from a used DVD bin for $5.99.

Monday he and I may take the time to look at the special features, including “deleted scenes.” Honestly, anything that didn’t make the first cut for this film probably should be stuck in a lead-lined box and fired into the sun, rather than unleashed on the public, but we’re going to have a look just to be sure. It’s like rubbernecking on your way past a high-speed rollover. You don’t want to know what’s in there, but you can’t just not look.

But after the obligatory rubbernecking… well, I’m not going to let this DVD into my home. I’ll need to get rid of it. But how?

Yes, I’ve considered printing my film review on glossy, DVD-box-sized cardstock and creating a one-of-a-kind “Reviewer’s Edition,” but I’m not sure I can do that in good conscience. Just because I didn’t create the filth in question doesn’t mean that it would be any less immoral for me to accept money in exchange for filth. So I need suggestions: what should we do to dispose of this DVD?

Fie on you, Shaggy Patterson, for putting the “gag” back in “gag gift.”

41 thoughts on “Shaggy, I’m going to get you for this…”

  3. A 3-Step Program for recovery

    1. Scrub DVD with steel wool to prevent any further viewing.

    2. Incorporate a silvery disc into some device in the Schlockiverse.

    3. Auction DVD off as that component.

  4. You should do what we used to do in a college club I was in called “KGB.” Hold a “Distrauction.”

    The person who comes up with the most creative and elaborate way to destroy the DVD has to do so (and maybe film it?) and wins a prize.

    Start a bidding war from people who may actually be required to carry out the destruction of the object.

  5. I honestly think you SHOULD take it into your home.

    I read your LJ and Schlock and consequently become familiar with some details of your life. Through this process I have become aware of one glaring flaw in your child rearing tactics: no Romanian hookers.

    I remember when I was a child my parents often brought home Romanian, Czech, even some Bosnian hookers. They were integral to my upbringing. Nowhere, though, in either Mrs. Tayler’s LJ or your own do I see a mention of exposing Patches, Gleek, or the others to Eastern European hookerage.

    Now I realize that since you left Novell money has been somewhat tighter. Bloodrayne’s release on DVD gives you the PERFECT opportunity to inject much needed hookerage into your children’s education while simultaneously keeping costs low. This sounds like a win-win situation that you can use to leverage synergy across all platforms of your life.

    So I say you should, nay you MUST, bring Bloodrayne into your home. Not only does the DVD contain the epic film, deleted scenes which we can only assume contain more hookers, and it was FREE, it also containes Bloodrayne 2 for the Playstation 2. Not only can your children experience Bloodrayne, now they can INTERACT with it.

    Think of the Children, Mr. Tayler. Think of the Children.

  6. It would make a nice reflector on the mailbox pole. Maybe it’ll help someone from running over your mailbox one day?

    1. That’s only made better, of course, by the fact that if someone DOES run over said mailbox some day they will probably also be destroying the DVD.

      1. … and their car. My mailbox is shared with my next-door neighbor’s mailbox, and the two are set in a brick column just off the sidewalk.

  9. I have but one word…

    “skeet”

    You may now bask in my wisdom…

    Alternately, you could bring it home, and use it as a child-rearing tool…

    “[insert name here], stop/start [insert thing they should either stop or start doing] or else You’ll have to watch Bloodrayne…”

  11. Is there a microwave in the back at Dragon’s Keep? Microwaving DVDs, if it’s like microwaving CDs, generates a truly awful smell. It stunk up the theater, and now it can stink up Shaggy’s place.

  13. I like the sextant idea. If you have problems with pesky birds, I’m told peopl e hang these to twist in the breeze and keep pesky birds away.

  17. Hey, if it is like the DUngeons and Dragons movie, all of the bits that could have made it a bearable film are in the cut scenes. (I swear, every time the producer/director/whatever was faced with a choice between 2 scenes to cut, he choose to cut the one that would have made the film less sucky.)

  19. If your house were more like mine, I would tell you to take it home immediately and give it to your most destructive off-spring. My youngest would find a faster and more creative way to ensure that it’s totally unviewable than any adult ever dreamed possible.

    This would be made faster if you impress upon said child the impossibility of replacement and just how very very much it is a pure treasure.

  20. Silly suggestion….
    eBay and proceeds to charity (can be selected). It would be interesting to see how much it fetched with an appropriate description. (never seen Bloodrayne m’self and don’t intend to with a backlog of films I want to see….)

  22. Monday he and I may take the time to look at the special features, including “deleted scenes.” Honestly, anything that didn’t make the first cut for this film probably should be stuck in a lead-lined box and fired into the sun, rather than unleashed on the public, but we’re going to have a look just to be sure. It’s like rubbernecking on your way past a high-speed rollover.

    If it is as bad as you say, I hope you’re targeting someone else’s sun, in someone else’s galaxy? I personally would want to minimize the risk of triggering a supernovae in my personal general vicinity. Say, three or four galactic diameters distance?
    🙂

    1. Wait a minute… what if this was dropped into a sun with intelligent life in it. Their only impression of us would be Bloodrayne, and the fact we tried to pollute their sun with it.

      I don’t think this would end well.

        1. Re: Four Words:

          well, you know – Donald Sutherland with poodle hair and wide lapels says late ’70s, all the dead trees in the background say San Francisco Civic Center (a parking garage was excavated under the plaza, which killed all the trees), and the look on his face says Pod Person to me. 🙂

  24. * CDs/DVDs make non-unique Christmas tree ornaments, but that would require it remaining in the house. I also use AOL discs for coasters.

    * Give it to a charity that resells donations, such as Goodwill or the American Red Cross. Or sell it with your review and donate the money to the charity of your choice.

    * Give it to someone else as a gag gift (with extra gag).

  25. Send it to a politician or other figure you dislike.

    Heck, send it to anyone who gets your knickers in a twist. Pick a famous person who irritates you, and ZOOOM! Off it goes.

  26. I say you matte (matt?)(mat?) your printed review, SCRATCH THE HELL OUT OF THE DVD, and put both together in a nice frame… maybe with “Worst Movie of All Time” in a nice award-looky font.

    THEN sell it on eBay.

    Whatever you do, get rid of it quick, because my curiosity is getting more and more piqued, and I now live within “borrowing distance”.

    1. My self-destructive streak is tugging me towards the Blockbuster Video near where I live…

      SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

  27. Hello, Howard. Long-time fan here.

    About 6 years ago I used AOL CDs as thingies to hang from the rear-view mirror. I glued the Tide-colored backs together. Then I ran a heated soldering iron, melted a hole through them and ran a piece of thread through. It looked very shiny and rather tacky( or so my dad said). I liked it.

    You may find doing a similar thing to be enjoyable.

    Or, perhaps, you could use it for a lemonade coaster.

    Or, you could draw on it and form a nifty art piece from it to hang on the wall, ala the old “paint-the-saw-blades” kind of thing.

  28. Shaggy

    Funny – I never thought I’d see his name on the internet and here it is. Shaggy Patterson – video game enthusiast, red hair and that silly little goatee. You’d think he wouldn’t ride around in a jeep with that fair redhead skin…this sounds just like him. We used to watch movies together as well. He introduced me to Baron Munchausen and Shaolin Soccer. Has pretty eclectic tastes.

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