I got up this morning and read today’s Schlock Mercenary, and my first thought was “where’d the punchline go?”

Honestly, at some point SOMEWHERE I swear I thought today’s strip was going to be funny, or at least amusing, but for the first time I can remember, the gag fell COMPLETELY flat for me.

So… if it fell flat for you too, I’m sorry.

If it WORKED for you, and you actually found it amusing, or (and I’d find this hard to believe) you actually laughed out loud, please let me know. I’d certainly feel better, as it would mean that all I need to do is recalibrate my humor receptors, rather than fall on my sword.

–Howard

“Crap. I can’t draw that…”

Every so often I come across a strip, a row, or even a single panel whose concept as scripted requires me to do something difficult. You know, with my pencils and pens. Let’s face it — as much as my artwork has improved over the last five years, I’m no expert. I’m a hack professional who gets by with sneaky tricks, shortcuts, and really, really strong writing (if I do say so myself.)

So I’ll stare at the page, a picture forming in my head, and as the picture forms, this voice says “crap. I can’t draw that.”

I need to shut that voice up, or at least convince it to say something ELSE. Sure, there are things I can’t draw yet. And yes, there are times when I need to take shortcuts, or re-script the action so that what I CAN draw will tell the story. But most of the time when that voice chimes in, what it’s really saying is “I don’t want to try to draw that, because I’m afraid it’ll come out looking like crap.”

This coming Sunday’s strip is one of those. It’s not going to look especially complex when it airs, because I DID take a shortcut or two in the end, but I let myself try some of the difficult stuff too. Most of the problem was composition. The voice was right — I CAN’T draw the pictures from my head if they’re incomplete. I just needed to take ALL FREAKIN’ DAY to compose two panels.

–Howard

I watched Episodes I and II this week. I’m ready for all the Jedi to die.

Consider:

1) The Jedi are emotional cripples. They can’t marry or have families, but are somehow expected to be role models and peacekeepers in galactic society. This principle of leadership through societal aloofness scales poorly, is demonstrably ineffective when compared to simple patriarchal/matriarchal orders (apologies to my Catholic friends), and we see its weaknesses demonstrated not only in the real world, but also in the Lucasverse where Anakin and Padme lie in an effort to have both Jedi power and family love. Those lies are just one more bolt in the coffin-armor of the rising Lord Vader.

2) The Jedi are institutionally stupid. For all their ability to see the future and sense the flow of current events through the power of the force, they still can’t believe that a Jedi would tamper with the archives and betray his fellow Knights. Dooku/Tyrannus has been playing them for ten years, and even though Mace Windu knows Dooku to be the leader of the separatists, he just can’t believe (until shown) that Dooku would resort to violence.

3) The Jedi fight like idiots. Perhaps, in the noble, royal heritage from which their now sadly corrupt and fallen order sprang, (PERHAPS) it made sense for great warriors to travel solo or in pairs, keeping the peace simply by being shining examples of nobility. In the down-and-dirty of the modern Galactic Republic, though, you need to be able to employ squad tactics, with the full panoply of principles like “rate of fire,” “flanking,” and “fallback positions.” Want to kill a Jedi? Roll a couple of droideka up to him/her, and start blasting. Jedi aren’t smart enough to carry shield-penetrating ranged weapons, and that “force push” trick only seems to work for a few of them.

Upshot… the Jedi Order in the last days of the Republic is a corrupt and ineffective warrior caste that NEEDS to be swept away. If they’d managed things correctly, perhaps Anakin could have brought balance to the force by quietly usurping power in the Jedi Council and instituting the Jedi Reformation. Sadly, they blew that chance, and their new Sith Emperor will reform their order a bit more dramatically.

I’m looking forward to Episode III. I’m ready for all the Jedi to die…

A few of you have called my attention to this article in the Online Sun (that paragon of UK journalism) about Blair’s 16-Million Reserve, which is hotter than Tabasco in the same way that stellar thermonuclear fusion is hotter than your bathwater.

I love hot sauce, but this stuff is beyond hot. It’s pure capsaicin (the molecule in peppers that reacts with your pain receptors, tricking you into thinking your mouth just caught fire), and the “16 Million” in its name is the number of equal parts of water you’d need to add to it before the “heat” flavor would vanish.

To put it in perspective, Tabasco rates around 2500 on that same scale. Blair’s Sudden Death Sauce (the stuff I mixed into the barbecue sauce I basted last night’s chicken with) rates around 60,000. Police-grade pepper spray rates around 3 million. In short, you’d have to DILUTE the contents of Blair’s 16 Million Reserve bottle five-to-one with aerosols and a liquid carrier in order to use it as a weapon.

So no, I don’t want you to buy any for me. Keeping this around the house as an additive for making foods spicier would be like keeping a metric ton of gunpowder, along with the accompanying brass and bullets, for purposes of home defense. Sure, it’ll last a long time, but it would be entirely too easy to accidentally kill everyone in the neighborhood.