Essays

On Leap Days

It’s kind of ridiculous for people to think that an anniversary or a birthday only happens once every four years just because its original occurrence was on the 29th of February.

And if not ridiculous, at the very least it’s hypocritical.
Let’s say you were born on April 16th, 1970. That was a Thursday. The following year you didn’t get a birthday because you were just a baby. Also, April 16th was a FRIDAY, and your birthday is a THURSDAY. Your birthday, Thursday, April 16th, didn’t come that year. Waaaah so sad you big baby.

I was born on the 60th day of the year, which was February 29th. The next year I didn’t get a birthday because I was a baby. Also, the 60th day of the year was March 1st.

If you to expect leapers to not celebrate something because February 29th isn’t around, you should be prepared to surrender roughly 6/7ths of your own birthdays and anniversaries.  Of course, that ridiculous (but theoretically FAIR) practice will put the leapers under an additional shadow, because the same weekday for a leap day only comes back around every 28 years. And under that system, I’m still a couple of leaps shy of turning two.  But I WILL get a birthday party when that happens, because at two I am TOTALLY NOT A BABY.

Also, It will be a Thursday.

Fiction

“Who Was That One Guy in That One Movie?”

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Sometime next week, or maybe next year…

“Google, who was that one guy in that one movie? The one with the–”

“Russell Crowe.”

“RIGHT! That’s him. That’s… okay, how did you do that?”

“You watched a documentary on the Roman Colosseum last night. This morning you lingered over an article about the local homeless problem, and in that article the president of the Food Bank talked about the movie Shelter, which starred Jennifer Connelly. The article even had the movie poster on display. Connelly co-starred in A Beautiful Mind and Noah with Russell Crowe.  Your subsequent lack of mouse activity suggested that you were free-associating. There were millions of things about which you could be thinking, but when you asked your question the field narrowed significantly. The Jennifer Connelly reference, plus images of the Colosseum led you to wonder whether she’d been in Gladiator with Russell Crowe, but you couldn’t remember his name, or the name of the movie.”

“So…  I was supposed to ask whether Jennifer Connelly was in that one movie with that one guy?”

“I’m not the boss of you. You can ask whatever you want.”

“Ah.”

“She wasn’t in Gladiator.”

“I’m past that. Now I’m thinking about how creepy this is.”

“You don’t lose email messages anymore. Or family photos, or grocery lists, or anything else.”

“I’d noticed that. It’s kind of nice, but now I’m worried.”

“Well, there is speculation that you may, as a species, lose your sapience over the next few millennia, but by the time it’s a problem, I suspect I will have figured out how to find that for you, too.”

Announcements

Redshirts Expansion, Now With 100% More Me!

My friend Jonathan “Skippy” Schwartz is Kickstarting the expansion to his super-successful Redshirts card game, and I’ll just show you my favorite card now before saying anything else.

RedshirtHowardRedshirts has a great game mechanic. The object is to kill off your own crew members. If they actually succeed in their missions and return healthy, you’ve clearly done something wrong. It’s fun, it’s funny, and it’s pretty easy to pick up. David Reddick’s art is perfect for it, and I’ve been led to understand that in this expansion I’m not the only creator of things to be garbed in ominous red and sent doomward repeatedly.

Check it out, folks.

Reviews

Kingsman: The Secret Service

KingsmanSecretServiceKingsman: The Secret Service falls short of “summer blockbuster” status by virtue of more than just its February release. Its R-rating is earned, at least in part, through some spectacularly violent moments whose absence, were they to be edited out for broader audience appeal, would leave the movie bland. For genre fans like me it’s way better than the usual February fare, but I can see why 20th Century Fox opted out of a spring or summer release.

This film is a rags-to-riches super-spy mashup that nods to its forebears with all the subtlety of an exploding head. So, brief nod, then ASPLODEYGOO. Its core premise is no more or less absurd than the ones found in the usual “save the world” superhero films, and the dastardly plot is a blend of chilling “what if” and brow-lifting “WTF.”

In short, it’s spot-on. If you loved the action scenes in The Matrix trilogy, and have a soft spot for dapper do-gooders for whom “good” means “over the top awesome,” you’ll enjoy Kingsman: The Secret Service.  I did, and as of this writing it’s #1 for me for the year.

There’s still a lot of year left, though. This clears my Threshold of Awesome, but may drop a dozen notches before the year is out.

Writer, Illustrator, Consumer