All posts by Howard Tayler

Gotta diet… Gotta diet…

My previous diet-and-exercise regimen, which ran for three weeks this January, was successful from one standpoint: I demonstrated to myself how effectively I can diet-and-exercise, provided I stay healthy. The low-carb regimen works well for me, and helps me select healthy foods (homemade, with lots of vegetables) rather than fabber-crap from the Post Industrial Land of Empty Sugars. I have to be exercising, too, but there’s nothing wrong with doing both diet AND exercise. Duh.

My weight, which had peaked at 187 (as measured immediately after waking up in the morning, before eating anything) had dropped to 180, and I felt great. Then I got sick for three weeks (rhinovirusocerous), and got out of the habit of healthy living. I haven’t been to the gym since mid-February. The only exercise I’ve gotten in 5 weeks, and I’m not making this up: three rounds of Disc Golf, some walking around at BrainShare (walking between “place to sit” and “place to eat”; I’m not sure that counts) and exactly 20 push-ups.

This morning my weight hit 187.5. A new high! I feel like the 1997 DOW Industrials!

(Bloated… artificially larger than I should be… doomed to catastrophic collapse… pick one)

So, I need to get back to the gym, and back on the low-carb wagon. I’ve got decent self-discipline these days — in past year’s diets I haven’t just fallen off the wagon, I’ve leapt from the wagon into the ditch, and then fled naked into the woods to dance with the elves… the KEEBLER elves, and their pet Nesquik Bunny. I’ve broken my Nesquik addiction, though, and my carbohydrate cravings can now be satiated with a really robust salad, some wild rice, and a diet soda.

Which brings me to breakfast this morning… I enjoyed a “last meal” of fried eggs, toast-under-sausage-gravy, grits, and a (admittedly token) diet drink.

The drink: It’s this stuff called “Slim Lite” that they sell at Sam’s Club. It’s a little more expensive than the Diet Vanilla Pepsi I typically resort to, but it has some natural fat-burning stuff in it, including Chromium, and some patented blend of don’t-ask-me-what called “Citrimax.” And it’s a product of a company which uses the word “nutraceuticals” in their company name without batting an eyelash. It’s GOTTA be good for me, right?

Right. Bah. It’s got acesulfame potassium in it, a chemical whose aftertaste has led me to refer to it lovingly as “that ‘mouth-access-denied’ crap.” It’s also got Splenda in it, which is the reason I picked up in the first place. I thought maybe the de-carbed sugar molecules they’re calling “sucralose” would mask the pump-fake-the-taste-buds action of the acesulfame.

It’s been 20 minutes. My mouth does NOT taste like a sugar-plum-fairy used it as a toilet, so I guess I’m okay on at least one count.

Tomorrow — no carbs, and a round of Disc Golf. The day after… well, Tuesday is as good a day to show up at the gym in my fat suit as any other, right?

–Howard

This raises an interesting question…

Honestly, up until a day or two ago I thought that everyone who reads my Live Journal also reads my comic strip, Schlock Mercenary. That turns out not to be the case. This raises a couple of interesting questions, and I’d love it if as many of the (*gasp*) four-hundred-and-thirty of you as possible would answer…

Thanks for your participation. Hopefully the results will be informative (or at least marginally entertaining) for everyone.

–Howard
p.s. please note that this is NOT an attempt to lure more of you into reading the comic. I’m much less subtle with those attempts. Also note that I’m not going to be offended if it turns out that lots of you do NOT read the comic. After all, more than six billion humans are in that same category… getting offended at a group that large would be inane.

Oops. We shelled your back yard. Sorry!

An artillery shell lands in your back yard, explodes messily, and emergency services rush in to see if anyone is hurt. Question: Where do you live?

A) Tikrit, Iraq
B) Kabul, Afghanistan
C) Pleasant Grove, Utah, USA

Have a look behind the door labeled “C,” folks.

Upshot (pardon the pun…): A Utah Department of Transportation (UDOT) avalanche control team used all seven bags of powder instead of just five, and fired a howitzer round clear over the mountain. It came down in Pleasant Grove, where residents heard “a whistling noise, then an explosion.” Miraculously, there were no injuries.

My Take: Idiots. Does nobody train these people with this equipment? I have mental images of a group of teenagers going to work for UDOT instead of playing with pipe-bombs in their back yards, and applying the same sort of devil-may-care attitude towards loading the artillery.

The good news here is three-fold:
1) Nobody was killed or injured.
2) UDOT admitted fault immediately.
3) UDOT has suspended avalanche control operations pending results of an investigation.

My Other Take: This is hilarious. I have to laugh nervously, but I still have to laugh.

–Howard

Pizza Hut Online… it works

Well, I tried the Pizzahut.com thing, and I don’t know why I was expecting the pies to somehow be BETTER than if I’d called them in using that whatchamacallit… telephone. After all, it’s just pizza. They got my order right, and the food was fine. I mean, it was Pizza Hut food, which you may or may not be down with. Me, I like it, but I know my limits. That pan-pizza crust is like crack. Sandra practically had to push me out of the room to keep me from goldfishing on it. You could top it with poopsauce, limberger, and sardines, and I’d still eat it up.

–Howard

ps. No I wouldn’t.