Open Letter, March 1st, 2005

Yes, yes, I know. There is a competition running now in which a few webtoonists plunk down $20 each, and the last one to NOT miss an update (Mon-Fri only) takes the pot.

Yes, yes, I know. The pot stands at $640 as of this writing*, and that’s almost two months of groceries for my family.

Yes, yes, I know. It sounds like easy money for me, since I haven’t missed an update in 58 months. It would also be easy money for Bill Holbrook, Jeff Darlington, and Chris Crosby (among others). This is why, to my knowledge, those of us who do NOT have problems updating on a daily basis aren’t planning to participate. Can you imagine how tedious and non-eventful it would be if (for instance) Bill Holbrook and Jeff Darlington were playing? Those two would just keep plugging away at their strips for years while the money gathered dust. And for what? Bragging rights? They already HAVE bragging rights.

I’m not belittling the event, mind you. A little “money-where-your-mouth-is” may be just what folks like my buddy Scott need to firm up their schedules. If it works out that way, hey, we ALL win.

As for me, I feel no need to put any more money where my mouth is — I told you people four years ago that you’ll be getting fresh Schlock Mercenary right here, every day, forever (or until I die.) If I should fail to deliver that, well, my word means a lot more to me than a twenty-smacker entrance fee would.

In ironically related news, the buffer has dropped to its lowest in over a year… FOUR. Yes, I know. That’s four more than most webcartoonists have in the can. It’s also about fourteen LESS than I’m remotely comfortable with. I wouldn’t have let it drop this far, but I had to put food on the table with a commercial project whose deadline got nudged forward a bit. Well, I completed said project Monday morning.

By Saturday of this week I hope to at least triple the current buffer. But I’m not asking anyone to place bets.

I saw Elektra today, courtesy of some movie passes from The Original Schlocker (he was the first one to pay me for original Schlock artwork back in 2000, so he gets the title). The movie was okay. The best part of the film was the tatooed guy. But the best part of going to see the movie was the “Esuvee” spot.

This quicktime version doesn’t do the 60-second cinema version justice.

We could argue all day over whether or not this is an appropriate use of the 27 million dollar settlement from Ford Motor Company. Me, I think it’s just cool to watch. And I’ll keep driving my Beetle, thank you.

–Howard

There are a couple of billboards along Interstate 15 in Orem that drive me nuts. Most billboards are simply eyesores or distractions. These, however, are insulting.

The newer one of the two is from Qwest, the telecom most folks are stuck with. It talks about DSL, and other internet-ish stuff, and says “shop for services from the neighbor you already know.”

Okay, first of all, you’re not my neighbor no matter how you stretch the word.

Secondly, I don’t think of my neighbors as sources for these “services.” Not even the neighbors I already know.

This billboard makes me happy that my internet connection is provided by Comcast. At least they don’t pretend that they live next door and want to borrow sugar.

The second one REALLY bugs me. It’s got a picture of Heather Beers, the actress in the popular LDS movie-from-a-book “Charly,” holding a couple of wedding-related items. It’s an ad for a bridal shop, or maybe shoppe. I’m not sure.

This is a really pretty picture of Heather. It’s the same EXACT pose — same photograph — used on a much nicer billboard that has since been replaced. See, I think she only agreed to provide them with a single photograph, and they re-used the photograph and changed the props she was holding. The result is that you have this very attractive person standing very naturally, holding things that would not be naturally held in this pose.

But that’s not the part that really bugs me. The part that bugs me is the tagline… “Icing on the cake, and everything in between.”

There are two ways to interpret this: First, Icing is only ONE ITEM ON THE LIST for brides-to-be, so there can’t be anything “between” it and the missing next item.
The other interpretation is that both icing and cake are mentioned… but the way they’re listed, they’re ADJACENT. The icing, as they’ve said themselves, is ON THE CAKE. THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN THE ICING AND THE CAKE, UNLESS YOU ARE TRYING TO POISON THE GUESTS.

Oh I know what they’re TRYING to say. “We have lots of stuff that you wouldn’t think of buying at a bridal shop/shoppe/minimart.” This got said much better in an ad I saw for a bridal show — “everything but the groom.” Were I a potential groom, that would actually turn me on a little bit, and maybe, in some alternate universe where I’m single, desperate, and yet very confident, I’d go to the bridal show and try to pick up on women who don’t yet have a groom. That ad didn’t have a recycled picture of Heather Beers, though.

I hope Heather is as bugged by this as I am. Especially since a little Googling for biographical information shows that she has worked in the advertising business.

In writing that last journal entry, I remember that one of the people who helped us move the drafting table was my neighbor’s son Ben. I barely knew him, but he sure was helpful, and genuinely enjoyed carting the table into our home and down two flights of stairs. This is the same Ben who later committed suicide. I couldn’t call up my memory of him at the time I learned of his death, but now I’ve stepped right into the middle of it.

I’m not sure whether to think of this as a landmine or a forgotten patch of flowers, here in the untracked forests of my mind. At least now I know where it is.