Every so often I get email from some utter jerk who says “put your beard back, you look horrible.” I ignore these people, because I long ago stopped caring about what others think of my appearance. I dress, groom, and dance in ways that make ME happy, and the rest of the world can go hang.

I needed a good “about the author” photo for the upcoming book, so I talked to my friend Scott, who is consummately professional in everything he does. He directs the Ballroom Dance program at UVSC, and his team’s many national and internation awards reflect his passion for exactness. He also has a very, VERY nice digital camera, and while he considers himself a hobbyist, I know better. I’ve seen professional photographers with less skill, less training, and FAR less gear than he has. He agreed to shoot some head-shots for me.

He took about 90 pictures. This was one of my four favorites. It’s not the one we’re using in the book, but it’s still far, far better than any picture I’ve had taken in recent memory.

I compared it to the picture I USED to have on the site, and realized why the jerks were telling me to put my beard back — the old photo with the beard was a better picture than the quick-and-dirty beardless photo I’d been using. It’s like the old axiom from my record-production days: The customer always knows when there’s a problem, but never knows what exactly the problem is.

The Tesla Purple Energy Shield does amazing things, according to this web page. It will amplify your aura, repair your DNA, and stimulate tachyon energy. No, really. It says so, right on their web page.

They have kirlian photos to prove these claims. And at only $90 I don’t know that I can afford to NOT have one. It’s half off!

(I’m waaay too tired to do a full comedic deconstruction. I’ll let you folks hack away, though.)

Shaggy, Dan, and I were at Sam’s Club on a soda run, and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was playing on several of the large screens. I only caught a moment of the film — the Death Eaters were terrorizing the Quidditch Cup crowd. I watched as the crowd of thousands scattered in panic, fleeing before a dozen spell-flinging evil wizards, and I wondered…

This is not a muggle crowd. This is a crowd of magic-using folk. Don’t most — if not ALL — of these people have wands of their own? Why are none of them counterspelling, or attacking back?

What would happen if everybody at the Superbowl over the age of 16 had been trained in the use of a handgun, and was currently carrying… then, suddenly, a group of armed men with RPG launchers attacked the stadium?

Answer? Lots of panic, lots of fleeing, but in short order it would quiet down, and there would be several dead men lying beside their RPG launchers. After all, at least a thousand of those fans would NOT panic, and would shoot back.

The Harry Potter universe is an armed society. A very, very well-armed society. Those wands are far more powerful than handguns, and the grown-ups give them to children who carry them around all day at school.

(Note: I know, I know… it’s a FANTASY, and it was originally written for CHILDREN. But just because it’s fantasy doesn’t mean it we can’t comment upon the internal inconsistencies and incongruities of the fantasy world.)

In most cases, 95% is as close to 100% as makes no practical difference. Oh, sure, over time that 5% may add up to be a significant AMOUNT, but few people will quibble over it. Foods are advertised as being 95% fat-free (which means they’re 5% fat), students who score 95% on a test are happy with their “A” grade, and none of us want to catch one of those hemorragic fevers that kills 95% of those infected, because we know that even if we end up in the 5% category, we’ll still be miserable.

I just turned 38. That’s 95% of 40. It’s also 50% of 76, which is older (by two decades in my Dad’s case) than the last two generations of Tayler males.

But I’m not depressed. I’m happy. I’m a full-time cartoonist, and on the “survive to be 40 years old” quiz, I’m getting an A.

–Howard