In my experience, doctors never prescribe anything to stimulate or accelerate actual healing. They only prescribe stuff for pain, and to kill the boojums that cause it, but all they’re really doing is removing the obstacles that stand between your natural healing mechanisms and your injury.

Is that accurate? Are there exceptions? Help me out here…

Here’s the experience I would have LIKED to have with the doctor:

“Well, Howard, it looks like you’ve separated your shoulder. I’m going to give you enough painkillers that you’ll sit down and do nothing for four days, but you HAVE TO TAKE THEM. That will prevent you from injuring yourself further, and you’ll be too stoned to be bored. I’m also going to give you a nutritional supplement that will ensure that your body has the necessary materials to quickly rebuild that shoulder of yours.”

Then the doctor would hand me some pieces of paper, I’d go to the pharmacy, and I’d come away with a rejuvenative, regenerative cocktail, and I’d understand why I needed each of the pieces.

I know, I know, there are lots of supplements out there. Off the shelf I could probably acquire steroids, ligament strengtheners, and protein isolates which would dramatically accelerate the process by which my useless shoulder is made useful. I’m also very nearly smart enough to figure out what to buy without the help of a doctor. Sure, some of it is snake-oil, and even the stuff that appears to work for everybody has very limited “scientific” support in the form of clinical trials, but hey… I could figure out what’s what on my own.

My question is why won’t doctors do that for me? Isn’t there money to be made there? Wouldn’t it make sense for an association of (for instance) doctors who specialize in physical therapy to get together with (for instance) a company that makes protein powders, and underwrite a formal study on using supplements to treat (for instance) separated shoulders?

No, the pharmaceutical companies don’t stand to make quetzlcoatillions of dollars selling non-patentable protein powders, but certainly your local pharmacy could make a buck or two. SOMEBODY out there (besides us miserable convalescents) stands to benefit from the formalization of prescription-strength “healing aids.”

I’m sure some of you will tell us how the modern medical establishment is little more than a conspiracy to keep natural healers on the lunatic fringe and make the megapharms and their stockholders fithily richer. I want answers that are a little more firmly grounded.

–Howard
ps: I mixed up some glutamine and creatine this evening, and my shoulder started to burn about an hour later. It felt like the burn I get after a workout, not like an injury. It was “new” pain, and it fascinates me. And this evidence of the existence of a niche for prescribed supplements is not especially firmly grounded.

My shoulder hurt a lot this morning when I woke up. I think I mentioned that in a previous entry.

So… I took a Lortab and a Soma at 8:30am, and then walked to Church ahead of the rest of the family. Understand, this is in Orem, Utah, where pretty much any Latter-Day Saint lives within a short walk of their congregation’s meetinghouse. I’m no exception. I have to cross two residential streets, and I walk past 9 front yards (counting only those on my right side as I walk).

So… I walked to church, sat down in a promising looking pew, and waited for the medication to kick in.

When Sandra arrived 10 minutes later I was about to fall over sideways. We agreed that it might be best if I sat in the foyer on a comfy chair (typically used by nursing mothers and delinquent teenagers), stuck around long enough to take the acrament (Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper, or Communion depending on your particular vernacular), and then walked home. Well, the Sacrament was passed to me, and I spent a few precious wetware cycles contemplating my relationship with God. Then I contemplated walking home, and realized that walking ANYWHERE in my current stuporous state was likely a bad idea, so I stayed put.

I fell asleep.

I woke up when the closing hymn was sung. I sat dazedly in place wondering if Sandra would come and get me, and then realized that she probably thought I was at home. I decided to venture forth from the increasingly womb-like comfort of that chair (note the subject line — “stoned in church”) and walked very slowly until I located Sandra. We talked about it, and determined that the easiest thing to do would rhyme nicely with “stay at Church.”

click here if you’re curious about LDS Sunday services

Hydrocodone is a much more effective sleep-aid than my usual poison, diphenhydramine citrate. It wears off faster, so that when morning rolls around I can greet it with clear-headedness.

I’m not taking Lortab (hydrocodone + acetaminophen) for help sleeping, though. I’m taking it to manage pain. Waking up clear-headed has its drawbacks — first and foremost, EVERYTHING HURTS. My shoulder hurts, by back and neck are sore, and my stomach feels like I was barfing all day yesterday. Since one of the side-effects of Lortab is nausea, I expect it’s doing something unpleasant to my gut, and when I wake up my poor belly is hung over.

So… right now I’m on zero drugs. I am very, very aware of my shoulder. I am aware of my shoulder in the same way that you would be aware of an 800-lb silverback mountain gorilla sitting in front of your refrigerator with a salad fork, the last of the Cherry Garcia, and your copy of Harry Potter and The Spoiler Which Must Not Be Named, should you be so unlucky as to have a gorilla wander into your home and adopt that position.

I’m afraid I need to take another Lortab. How else am I going to get past the gorilla?

–Howard

So… I got some coloring done this morning. Tomorrow’s installment of Schlock Mercenary will be pretty. I think I mentioned, though, that I was starting to hurt, so I took some ibuprofen and had a nap.

Well, following the nap and some lunch, I got started coloring the first week of Book V (Title To Be Announced On July 23rd), and I got achy again three rows in. I called chalain and both he and chaliren came by at around 3:00pm to take me shopping. See, the Taylers needed a grocery trip, and I’m unfit to either a) watch children, or b) drive. So the Chalaineys and I went to Wal-Mart and Costco for a few essentials, and I got to play passenger.

Since reflexes, response times, and general alertness were no longer critical to my participation in the endeavor, I took 350mg of Carisoprodol (generic Soma, a muscle relaxant). It’s supposed to relax me (duh), and will also make me drowsy. With my arm back in the sling, though, I figured it would be good to go whole-hog and let it loosen up some.

Chalain tells me I behaved uncharacteristically at the store. I figured as much. All I remember about the trip is that it was very crowded and I had a hard time keeping track of my friends. Also, the three things on my shopping list (milk, eggs, cottage cheese) kept falling out of my brain, and I had to keep checking the list to put them back in.

Most of that has worn off now. I finished coloring the first week of Book V and took another Lortab. At one point I thought I might try to do some pencilling or inking today, but I’m going to give that a wide, drug-induced miss, and while away my evening with the new Harry Potter book and some pills instead.

Thanks for all the well-wishing. In spite of the fact that I needed to get back on the pharmaceutical bandwagon today, I’m pretty sure we’re out of the woods here. I will be able to draw everything that needs to be drawn, but it may be Tuesday or Wednesday before I can really get a running start at it.

–Howard